March 28, 2004

Silly Headlines

by Jeremy Blachman

While doing some "research" for something else I was writing, I noticed that the AP newswire has an awful lot of silly headlines. Actually, only one I thought I was actually silly, and the rest I'm stretching to make a longer post. But anyway... just briefly, here's a few of their headlines / my invented stories. And, no, this has no real purpose.

Nurse Loses License in Hepatitis Outbreak
LINCOLN, Neb. (AP) -- The head nurse at a local hospital where the nation's largest hepatitis C outbreak began has lost her license in the commotion. As the outbreak spread throughout the hospital, the nurse was knocked to the ground, her wallet falling from her pocket and the contents getting strewn across the floor. When the activity died down, she could not find her license. She called the local licensing board and should have a new one by Wednesday.

Fire Ant Attacks Up In Nursing Homes
NEW ORLEANS (AP) -- South American ants are becoming an increasing danger for nursing home residents, as the aggressive non-native pests spread throughout the country -- excuse me, we mean South American aunts are becoming an increasing danger for nursing home residents, as the aggressive pests make their nieces and nephews eat more vegetables, do their homework, and give their aunt a nice big kiss on the lips.

Obesity Threatening Child Health Gains
WASHINGTON (AP) -- An obesity epidemic threatens to wipe out gains in children's health and safety over the past three decades. Except for weight gains, which it actually helps quite a bit.

Study: Drinking May Help Heart Patients
CHICAGO (AP) -- Drinking in moderation may help heart patients... forget all their problems and go enjoy life instead of worrying about their heart conditions.

March 28, 2004 10:28 PM | TrackBack
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