April 08, 2004

The Elephant

by Jeremy Blachman

New reality show on Fox: "The Elephant" -- 12 average-looking men and women are subjected to three months of intense body transformation. They undergo radical plastic surgery, have all of their bones broken and fused back together again, have their teeth straightened, bleached, and veneered, have their hair removed and replaced, have their skin peeled off layer by layer, purified in a centrifuge, and replaced, and, most importantly, have their genetic code modified. When the procedures are completed, the transformations will be revealed. The 12 average-looking men and women will have been transformed into... elephants. Real, live, big gray elephants with long trunks and big feet. The elephants will then compete for cash and prizes in a truck-pulling competition that will be televised live -- by cameramen who will stand on a thin wire connecting two New York skyscrapers -- with no net, no clamps, and no margin for error. On a windy, rainy day. Blindfolded. With live worms crawling all over their bodies.

These worms: will compete in a singing competition, judged by music legends Olivia Newton-John, Gladys Knight, and Rupert Holmes. The judges will wear masks covering their faces, and their identities will have to be guessed -- by the sixteen bachelors carefully selected from a pool of twelve thousand applicants. The bachelors will put our judges to the test -- while they themselves compete in the ultimate competition for survival, stranded on an ice floe in the middle of the Arctic Ocean, with no water, no food, and no thumbs, after they undergo a radical procedure perfected in Ancient Egypt. The bachelors on the ice floes will encounter a tribe of penguins -- who all live in one house, with cameras following their every move, as they stop being penguins, and start being real. The raw footage of the penguins' lives will be broadcast on the Internet, and viewers will have the opportunity to e-mail the penguins with instructions about what to do next. One special female viewer will be chosen at random to join the penguins in their Arctic home -- and will participate in the ultimate practical joke. She will have to convince her family that she has fallen in love with the penguin, and will be married at a wedding ceremony next week. If her family attends the wedding, she will win the right to work as Donald Trump's secretary for one year, at a salary of $15,000. If her family does not attend the wedding, they will be dropped from a helicopter, eight hundred miles above the Earth's surface, for a reality show experience like none before: "Eight Hundred Miles Above The Earth," a twenty-second chronicle of the family's adventure falling to the surface, with no parachutes, no food, and just one music CD each. Those CDs will be featured on a special VH1 original program, "Favorite CDs of the Family Falling To Earth," and celebrities like Damon Wayans and the Budweiser Frogs will comment on each track. The artists responsible for the CDs will be reunited for one final concert, live from Madison Square Garden in New York City, where they will serve as the opening act for the ultimate elephant truck-pulling event. "The Elephant." This fall on Fox.

April 8, 2004 11:40 PM | TrackBack

Sorry, I already saw that on Springer.

Posted by: Brian at April 9, 2004 12:09 AM

I just saw clips of "The Swan" for the first time; it's the most absurd work of stupidity I've ever seen; I'm so glad you satirized it.

Posted by: Nick Morgan at April 9, 2004 12:59 AM

Thank you, Jeremy, for a great end to the day.

I must not have been paying that close of attention when I watched the previews for the show. ;-)

Posted by: Chris Geidner at April 9, 2004 01:01 AM

Is this how the GOP will be recruiting voters for this November? In addition to elephants, democrats don't forget: don't get mad, get even.

Posted by: Shag from Brookline at April 9, 2004 06:56 AM

Is this pachydermatology?

Posted by: Andrew at April 9, 2004 10:41 AM

I have to think the Elephant/former Human winning the truck-pulling competition will be unsatisfied with the cash. That is, unless there is another transformation following the competition. The prizes, on the other hand, could be sufficient, provided they appeal to an Elephant. Maybe Peanuts, or fresh fruit, for example.

That is one show I would NOT miss.

Posted by: Sean S at April 9, 2004 01:20 PM

I was thinking of pitching them a similar show called "The Bunny" -- but it was going to be a lot simpler.

The plastic surgeon -- skilled in fixing cleft palates, also known as harelips -- would simply give the person a harelip who didn't have one previously! Ta Da! The Bunny.

Posted by: Peter James Bond at April 9, 2004 03:49 PM

this is the funniest post i've read in months.

Posted by: Dude at April 9, 2004 04:12 PM
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