*Disclaimer the First: This is based on actual events. Only the names, dates, places, and actual events have been changed.
**Disclaimer the Second: This work may greatly resemble that of Helen Fielding, and that's probably not a coincedence.
~Thursday, July 7
142 lbs. (ugh!), alcohol units: 2 (v. g.), calories: countless, minutes spent getting ready for work: 87 (not bad at all).
6:00 a.m. Waking up is overrated. Exactly why snooze buttons were invented.
6:07 a.m. Beauty of snooze buttons is that they can be utilized more than once per morning.
6:14 a.m. Will just hit it once more.
6:21 a.m. Maybe just one more time.
6:28 a.m. Gah! I'm going to be late for work!
7:52 a.m. Arrived at work with few crises, my hair notwithstanding. Will just pull it back into ponytail in the bathroom at work and use some water on the fly-aways.
7:55 a.m. Hmmm... fly-aways don't seem to want to cooperate. Will just use a bit more water.
8:02 a.m. Was startled by Dorian, the senior law clerk as he banged on the door to kindly reminded me that I was going to be late for the morning meeting.
"What were you doing in there," he asked as I opened the bathroom door, "dunking your head in the sink?"
Looked in mirror only to find to my horror that my white blouse was soaked and my pink polka dot bra was clearly visible through it. No matter; that's what blazers are for.
8:15 a.m. Morning Meeting with Judge Simmons. Hair is dripping. Blazer is quite wet. Have decided that from now on will keep hairspray in office bathroom, just in case. Tap water obviously not answer to typical hair crisis. Wonder briefly if this has something to do with too many minerals and things in the water or maybe even acid rain. Am about to have profound moment of clarity, possibly leading to the answer to world's pollution problem when Judge Simmon's interrupts my line of thinking.
"And you, Ruth?"
"I beg your pardon, Judge?" I reply nervously.
"Do you have anything ready for me to sign?"
"Oh. No, Judge, not this morning."
"Very well," he said, getting up from the conference table. "Dorian, can you grab me the file on Mr. Frank? There's something I wanted to take another look at. Oh, and Ruth?"
9:00 a.m. Am finally dry and crazy hair is under control. Judge Simmons was kind enough to let me sit out the morning settings so that I could dry off in my office and not have to endure the ridicule of the U.S. Marshals. Ever since that mishap with my skirt a few weeks ago, they've never missed an opportunity to tease me. Imagine they would've had a hay day with my pink polka dot bra given the chance.
Have new work assignment as well. Memorandum opinion for defendant's motion for summary judgment. Sounds... involved. Most of my writing assignments thus far have been jury charges, which aren't difficult for anyone who knows how to read a template and change the pertinent parts. Am sure, however, that Dorian would not have assigned it to me if he didn't think I could handle it. Will get started on it right away.
9:35 a.m. Have just retreived several volumes from the library that look like they could be useful. Oh, look! Email from Ryan (possible soon-to-be boyfriend) wanting to know if I'm free for dinner. Am not actually free for dinner as have plans to go out with the girls tonight. Seems rude not to at least email him and let him know and suggest tomorrow night instead. Should only take a moment, and then can jump right into the Land of Summary Judgment.
9:45 a.m. Hmmm, completely forgot that he's going out of town on business tomorrow. Probably why he wanted to have dinner tonight--so that he could spend some time with me before flying off to Miami. Quite thoughtful of him, really. Now, however, will seem heartless or (ever worse) disinterested if cannot make it tonight. And since disinterest is certainly not the case here, suppose that perhaps I should call the girls and see if they mind terribly if I skip out on them tonight. Only then they'll hate me for choosing a man over them, which of course breaks Friendship Rule Number 12(b)(6): A woman shall not break a Girls' Night Out date except under extraordinary circumstances, ennumerated below. While not necessary to list possible exceptions, let it suffice to say that going to dinner to possible soon-to-be boyfriend is not one of them. Hmmmm... am faced with quite a dilemma now.
9:57 a.m. I've got it! Will tell the girls that am feeling under the weather and then suggest dinner at my place to Ryan so that the girls don't see me out and about after telling them I was sick. Am social genius!
10:00 a.m. Only, what if the girls decide to check up on me and bring me chicken soup and find me at home not sick, but
making out having dinner with Ryan instead? Then have violated Friendship Rule Number 4(k)(1)(A): A woman shall never lie to her friends to get out of something. Will obviously have to think up something else.
10:10 a.m. Of course! I tell the girls I'm not feeling well and then suggest dinner at Ryan's. If the girls come by my place to check on me, will just tell them that Ryan picked me up in order to take care of me at his place because he had plenty of chicken soup there. Yes. That will work. Will just call the girls, email Ryan, then get to work on summary judgment.
10:30 a.m. Hmph. Just got this email from Ryan:
Hey, beautiful [Editor's note: He called me beautiful!], I really wanted to have dinner with you tonight, but my boss just handed me another account that he wants taken care of before I leave for Miami tomorrow. Looks like it'll be a late night at the office tonight. How about lunch Monday when I get back?
Normally this would be good thing, as could now have fun night with the girls after all. Problem is that I already called the girls, faking a cough and telling them to go out without me and insisting that they have a good time and not worry about checking up on me. Now I've no date and no girls' night out.
Maybe there are some good movies out on video.
Back to this summary judgment problem.
11:00 a.m. Meh. Chipped a nail. Actually left a fairly sharp edge as well. Should probably file it before accidentally slice open major artery with sharp broken nail.
11:10 a.m. Nice and filed down. Only now rest of nails look too long in comparison. Should just go ahead and file them all down now. After all, must always look my best in the courthouse as representing judge and all.
11:45 a.m. Much better. Feel presentable once more. Can finally jump into this summary judgment problem. Was pretty good at civ pro in my day. My day meaning this past semester. Expect to be able to knock out assignment in record time. Will be Queen of Summary Judgment and resident expert in subject.
11:55 a.m. Hmmm, this is not much like the hypotheticals on recent civil procedure exam. May not be as easy as originally thought. Never fear, however. Am Ruth Ginsey, brilliant law student and competent judicial intern!
Noon. Ooooh, lunch. Finally. I could certainly use a break.
1:00 p.m. Right. Must really buckle down and work on summary judgment thingie. Turns out Dorian would like a draft by tomorrow, but I haven't even finished reading the case file. Gah!
2:00 p.m. Must. Stay. Calm. Read case file and pulled a couple volumes of the USCA. Certainly there's something in there to tell me what to do.
3:15 p.m. Have decided appellate judges are some of the worst writers ever. I mean, really. Didn't anyone ever tell them to read Legal Writing in Plain English? None of this stuff makes sense.
3:45 p.m. Just had horrible thought. What if all of this does make sense and I'm the only one not getting it? Is this a sign from above that I'm just not cut out to be a lawyer? Or a judicial intern even? Have just never seen a case this complicated, but at same time know that Dorian would not assign it if he didn't think I could handle it. Convinced now that am of below average intelligence and is fluke that I got into law school at all. Should probably just resign myself now to being cab driver or exotic dancer (once rid of cellulite and flab on tummy, of course).
4:15 p.m. Dorian walks in. "Hey, Ruth, do you have the Winston file? I can't find it anywhere."
Sometimes am really annoyed by Dorian's poor attempts at humor. As if he doesn't remember assigning it to me just a few hours ago. But will play along as do not want to be a bother. "I've got it right here, but I don't think..."
"You have it? Oh, good. I thought I'd lost it. But, why do you have it?"
Please, Dorian. This is getting rather old. "You assigned it to me this morning, remember?"
Dorian laughed. I, however, fail to see the humor.
"Ruth, I assigned you the Wilson case. The Winston case is really complicated. I would never give that to an intern in their second month on the job."
4:55 p.m. Hurrah! Have just finished reading Wilson file and am quite confident that I'll be able to give a draft to Dorian by tomorrow evening. Am true legal genius! Will get started on it right away and even work late if I'm on a roll.
5:02 p.m. Oh, goody. Time to go. Hope traffic isn't too bad on drive home.