Having despaired of writing a publication-worthy version of Dahlia Lithwick's old Slate column about the Duke sexual assault accusation, I graciously notify De Novo readers of her call for assistance:
So, I turn to you, my readers, to help me invent a new Imaginary Right-Wing Hack. And I'm asking you to start with that bilious conservative wing nut, Dahlia Lithwick, whose April 22 column on the Duke rape case was a full-bore assault on women and minorities, and a stunning piece of right-wing vitriol to boot. Make free with the cut and paste functions, and please don't be afraid of those ellipses ... Rewrite the column as Ann Coulter channeling Bill O'Reilly and send your entries to Dahlia.Lithwick@hotmail.com. I reserve the right to print your name unless you tell me otherwise.I tried, but when I found myself writing "Because the incompetence of the liberal, elitist Supreme Court has infected trial courts, such that predating black men are allowed to escape from punishment, while the once-and-future Democratic Senate tarred the Good Black Man Clarence Thomas with that dark brush," I realized that I lack the Coulter/O'Reilly combination of allegedly humorous insult and hammering ideas untainted by literary allusion. (Both actually are somewhat uncommon among the right for an apparent lack of Biblical knowledge; if I have to listen to mishomony, it sounds better with ringing references to Sodom than with Coulter's tittering talk of "in a gay wedding, whose name will they take?")
Bonus points if you can turn this around for Valentine's Day. And triple bonus points if you can manage to do the same thing with the Chili's menu.
First prize will receive a subscription to the Weekly Standard, on my dime, plus a copy of my upcoming book, How the Duke Lacrosse Team Is Responsible for Global Warming, 9/11, the Death of Anna Nicole Smith, and the Black Plague of 1347.