April 14, 2004

Why It's Called Same Sex Marriage

by PG

I was at an interesting wedding Saturday -- weddings, in fact, uniting a Jain woman and a Christian man, with a ceremony from each person's religious tradition. But not nearly as interesting as the wedding I missed Thursday night:

Big Gay Wedding
You are cordially invited to the wedding of Dan Savage and Amy Jenniges, a showcase of everything that's wrong with letting the gayest gay man in the Western tradition and The Stranger's token lesbian unite in holy matrimony. (They'd much rather marry their own boyfriend and girlfriend, respectively.) The joining of these two in the most unholy alliance ever sanctioned by the institution of marriage will be officiated by Reverend Wm. Steven Humphrey and celebrated by serenades from the flamboyantly talented likes of Sarah Rudinoff and Nick Garrison. Drinking will happen, cake will be sliced, dancing will ensue. It's a full-blown gay marriage, wedding dress and all, and to the horror of conservative naysayers, it's completely legal.

That wedding would have cost me a $10 donation to Lambda Legal, though, and the one I attended was free. It also was planned well ahead of the Savage-Jenniges union, which was invented earlier this year after a visit to the Seattle licensing office. (via girlfag and eclecticism):

I'm happy to have a "marriage license." It's not the marriage license I'd like to have, of course. But, still, let me count my blessings: I have a 10-year relationship (but not the marriage license), a house (but not the marriage license), a kid (but not the marriage license), and my boyfriend's credit-card bills (but not the marriage license). I don't know what a guy has to do around here to get the marriage license. But I guess it's some consolation that I can get a meaningless one anytime I like, just so long as I bring along a woman I don't love and my $54.
The Savage-Jenniges union may be over by the time you read this, as they planned to file for divorce in just a little more time than it took Britney Spears.

One blogger managed to miss the point:

Who cares that you are queer? Certainly not the State, who doesn't care if you are gay, straight, rich, poor, or even if you are in love. This is called being treated equally, Dan. Thanks for illustrating that point so perfectly.

Actually, it's not being treated equally. Dan's boyfriend Terry is not being treated the same way Amy is being treated, because she can marry Dan and Terry can't. Amy's girlfriend Sonia is not being treated the same way Dan is being treated, because he can marry Amy and Sonia can't. This is blatant gender inequality.

Although everyone from Equal Rights Amendment advocates (who do not count President Bush in their number) to Eugene Volokh has disagreed with this view, the failure to recognize same-sex marriages is properly seen as sex discrimination, not sexual orientation discrimination.

Gay people can get married, and many have. Unfortunately, they've only been able to marry people of the opposite sex, which frequently results in making both spouses unhappy and causing divorce. So I'm definitely not urging anyone who's a lesbian to marry a man, or for that matter, urging anyone who's straight to marry someone of her own sex.

But marriage has been an option for gay people. There is no "are you straight?" test before granting marriage licenses. No one asked, and if a spouse did seem to be gay, or even engaged in homosexual behavior, it was deemed to be no one's business except that of the happy couple.

This distinguishes marriage discrimination from that involved in the workplace or hate crimes. People have been fired and murdered for being gay, but no one has been refused the recognition of his marriage because he is gay -- only because he wants to marry another man.

If I wanted to marry a female friend who lacks health insurance and who in return has agreed to care for my pet rabbit, explaining that I'm straight wouldn't convince the Commonwealth of Virginia to give us the benefits of marriage. The state discriminates against me not because of my sexual orientation, but because of the sex of the person whom I choose to marry.

BoifromTroy argues that Kerry's position on same-sex marriage is "is even more vile" than Bush's support of the Federal Marriage Amendment -- despite Kerry's vote against the 1996 "Defense of Marriage Act," despite his support for civil unions -- because Kerry has said that homosexuality is "in your genes" yet still opposes legalizing marriage between two people of the same gender.

Boi's view appears to be that Kerry's insistence on reserving the term "marriage" for man-woman unions, while giving all the rights and protections of the institution through civil unions, is worse than Bush's opposition to any recognition of same-sex partnerships because if someone believes homosexuality is genetic, then he must agree that homosexuals should be able to marry as they wish.

John A. Kalb challenges the idea that homosexuality is entirely genetic, noting that people "move back and forth too much," experimenting sexually with people of both genders. Many people consider themselves bisexual, attracted to men and women.

Moreover, basing acceptance of same-sex relationships on whether the participants are genetically fated to homosexuality is highly problematic. If I can be attracted to both people of the same sex and those of the opposite sex, should I be constrained to opposite sex relationships only? This is heterosexual supremacy, deeming opposite-sex relationships always preferable whenever possible.

If Dan Savage can feel a smidgen of sexual attraction to his temporary wife, that's hardly a justification for abandoning his partner and co-parent, even though some conservatives may encourage him to do so. As Andrew Sullivan has said, "Reducing people's relationships to mere sex is a subtle way of dehumanizing them." Same sex marriage, just like opposite sex marriage, ideally is not just about sexual attraction. It's about committment, first and foremost -- otherwise, why get married?

April 14, 2004 6:24 PM | TrackBack
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