July 13, 2004

BuffaloWings&Vodka: Democracy Tastes Good

by Wings&Vodka

TO: Sen. John Cornyn, Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee’s Subcommittee on the Constitution
FROM: BuffaloWings&Vodka
RE: Some Stuff

Dear Senator Cornyn,

As my representative in the Senate, you’ve always been someone that I felt I could talk to. But that feeling increased exponentially when I met you at The Boyz Cellar in Austin last weekend. I was there with a few of my friends, hoping to hit on the straight girls that were there to avoid guys like me, and there you were, doing body shots at the bar. My friends were like, “No way is that John Cornyn. He’d never wear that boa in the summertime.” But I pointed out your now-famous My Little Pony tattoo--which, by the way must have hurt like hell…I know my inner thighs are totally oversensitive when it comes to stuff like that--and they had to agree that it was you.

Anyway, thanks for the drinks that night; I don’t think I’d ever had that many Fuzzy Pandas in a row. My only regret is that you skipped out before I had a chance to ask you a few questions about life in the Senate:

1. If you really pressed him on it, do you think Robert Byrd (D-WV) would admit to believing that he’s in the same Senate as Clay, Webster, and Calhoun?

2. Is Bill Frist (R-TN) as tall as he looks? My mom said that he's eight-foot-three, but I don't believe her; she also told me that Alan Thicke was my real dad.

3. Have you ever raised a Point of Personal Privilege to use the restroom? Because we had to do that in student congress, and I thought it was totally lame.

4. Just so I can get it straight in my head, am I correct in assuming that your opposition to gay marriage is predicated on a belief that homosexuality is a choice? (I mean, if you didn’t believe that it was a choice, then you’d be denying people rights based on something over which they had no control, which would be totally effing rude.) And if so, does that then mean that you believe that you could choose to be homosexual if you wanted? Like, if you woke up tomorrow and 90% of the country were homosexual and the Constitution and the Bible and Pat Sajak all said that heterosexuality was wrong, and high school kids were getting the crap kicked out of them for being heterosexual, you feel that you could suddenly choose to become gay? That’s awesome.

5. Is Senator Cantwell (D-WA) as hot in person as she looks on C-SPAN?

6. Is Jewel still your favorite band?

I know you’re busy with your amendment, but I hope you’ll find the time to write me back. You can also give me a call at 512-731-6527 if you want to chat on the phone or even meet up somewhere. I’m totally free.

Stay Beautiful,


July 13, 2004 9:11 PM | TrackBack
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